vulnerability

Alina said something that really hit the bull's eye today. We sent the second wave off to timor at the airport today. Nothing much really the whole scene was more of a formality if anything. Anyway we were on the topic of future partners and what you would look for in them. So I said I didn't think couples should need each other, because necessity results in a sense of obligation and I'd rather just like the other person because it's more like a choice. Then she said maybe I was afraid to be vulnerable, because when you need somebody you automatically become vulnerable. Come to think of it, I'm probably sub consciously really afraid of that.

I like depending on people, friends and all that. I need company like 24/7 and I've always thought that I need a lot of my friends. By allowing these many objects of neccessity into my life, I'm actually reducing the effect one friend can have on my life. It's sort of a self defence mechanism so that I'm not especially vulnerable to any one single person.

I wouldn't want to need my partner also because it would then make the connection similar to those with my normal friends.

I don't like taking myself apart like that, but I think looking at yourself from as objective a point of view as possible is important, not to mention interesting.

M@D camp starts tmr, I'm not too excited about it, but oh well who said doing God's work would be fun all the time? I don't think it's possible to do a lot of it with a happy heart but I try to do it willingly at least.