Jesus what can I bring

what can I give.

I guess you could say I'm giving much less nowadays.

Like my first time when I caught fire. I miss it when I could feel so passionate about God.

Jesus take me, keep me for a while.

all I do is keep breathing.

on a sidenote, there are many good movies out, don't have the time to watch them though.

ain't it funny

People surprise you all the time. The most insignificant hi-bye friend can turn out to be far more concerned about you than you can imagine. Sometimes we should probably take some time to appreciate the many friends whom we neglect so easily because to them we might just mean more than we can imagine.

flip flip, every coin has two sides.

where was I when they handed out the knowing-you-are-loved

I may stumble yeah I might fall

I'm only human but aren't we all?

They do say that whenever you look back and reflect, things do seem a lot better tha they actually were and most of us probably do not have pen and paper to put down how we feel at every instant, every conflict, every emotional ripple. Maybe we do look back in wisdom but recording events long after they take place do seem like the best available form of reliving moments in our lives. Which is sad since it doesn't allow us to relive th moments to the fullest. Ah I'm growing old.

I'm rather nervous about results but at the same time too preoccupied to think about it. I wonder if I'd get stressed out if it just sits there at the back of my head and explodes as the actual day draws near. In the rare moments I am free and not too tired to let my thoughts roam, I do relive the math paper the chem paper and the english essays. Oh well there's no stopping it from coming so what the heck.

I feel like cinderella on book in days. Bailing on my friends at 6pm everytime. Apart from the fact that I'm not exactly living a fairytale, that came to me as quite amusing.

So hello good friend

We break we bend with hand in hand

Stuck without a captain or a chart
no one seems to know just who to follow anymore
Hang on
Hang on
There's a twilight, a night time and a dawn
who knows, how long
So hang on
hang on

Happy new year? What's so bad about the last one?

Cadence

I probably should be writing more often. Somehow my english is deteriorating such that I'm not even sure if I just spelt that word correctly.

So I enlisted on the 12th of January. It's ironic how my hygiene levels have increased after going in to tekkong. You become more conscious and start washing your face more often, brush your teeth more frequently and bathe as many times a day as possible. Anyway so camp's been nothing short of what I expected except for the training and punishment part. I guess it got dubbed the 'welfare company' for a reason. My fitness level is actually decreasing and I clocked a 2.4 timing slower than what I could manage in sec 3. So much for boys to men.

Paradox aside, the place has been rather mundane where all one ever looked forward to was breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. Last night there was supposed to be some outing to clark quay with platoon mates and it's just the second weekend. Oh how the world forgets and abandons. To say story of our lives would sound like wallowing in self pity. I didn't go with them. Not that I didn't want to watch soccer, I was just afraid to take that first step. The step in which your take your social life in both hands and cross over to the world of army boys.

Church wasn't that bad. It felt good in fact, the failiar feel of the auditorium. God's peace you could say. Sermon and all wasn't all that I had hoped for but the visit was mainly to let me rememebr what church feels like. I know people probably don't mean any harm when they ask about army and life in camp but it just makes me feel even more detached. I really appreciated the few people who came across in more of a let's-pick-up-where-we-left-off manner. Then again you could say they probably didn't care enough to ask.

So it seems nothing anyone does will bring me over from behind the margin to where everybody else is. It's a ns state of mind you see. Everything just seems bad and worse and when you get back to camp you spend your time in there looking forward to the next weekend where you can feel it all over again. Funny isn't it?

There's no end to what I'd give to know.

Some snow would be nice

That's what I thought when it kept raining this holidays.

One of those days I took bus service 51 and slid down memory lane. How appropriate for it to pass jurong entertainment centre at the start. It was where we hung out. All over the floor it was our space. We needed no chairs or tables, just a space on the floor and a portion of a wall. I loved it. I guess we all did. The place's changed, fittingly so since the school moved out of west coast, our west coast. No more large spaces of floor, it's all shops and push carts now. We've all grown up haven't we my dear entertainment centre.

The old rv buliding's being renovated into commonwealth secondary school. It's a sad sight and a hard one to bear as well. I never thought I would feel like a part of that school while I was in it. The world outside didn't turn out to be a better place and I'm so sorry I wanted out all the time. The basketball courts, the principal's office, the classrooms, the hall, it all belonged to us as much as we belonged to it. The backgate which we climbed every other day. The street soccer court nearby which we proceeded to after scaling the gate. God knows how much I miss those days.

I wanted to write more, but I decided not to because no one else would understand. And for those who've been there, we all know what it was like and what RV stood for and will stand for in our lives. We all know it's beyond what words can describe. It sounds cliche but it's true and when we meet decades after we've graduated, we'll still remember west coast.

You don't know me you don't even care.

Tell me am I very far

Army lies ahead.

I'm not afraid of joining the Army. More than anything I'm afraid of change, of loss. It's not like going to a new school or a new class, it marks the end of so much and the beginning of what is less. Yes. No. Sir. Wow they even have the speech to go with the lesser life.

If you haven't noticed yet I'm not exactly optimistic about serving the country for two green years.

So it seems I can be distracted by the unpleasant things which lay behind. A levels and the politcs of life. I could look forward to Army I guess. A fresh start or a temporary honeymoon from it all whatever it is, the irony remains in how 'always look on the bright side of life' can turn into a case of 'the lesser of two evils'.

Well I might as well touch on what lay behind. A levels wasn't terrific for me. I screwed up my maths for sure and I'm not sweeping As in the other sunjects either. What I've brought away from the ACSperience? A whole host of contacts and a couple of good friends. The keepers versus the others. I'm glad for the few of them.

Tell me all your thoughts on God, tell me am I very far. Indeed I am.

Who set the stars in their place?

I decided it would be a great pity were this blog to go to waste and rot and have hence decided to revive it. I guess I won't be having much time to do so in the future so I'll do a big update now.

Perhaps God would be a good place to start the year and the revival, and I do hope I don't just mean the blog here.

So God. Jesus. Beautiful Saviour. Beautiful stranger. It's sort of like a high profile person in school. You've heard the name, heard all about her, seen for yourself how pretty she is but just haven't gotten down to speaking to and knowing her. I've witnessed God in the lives of so many week in week out in church yet ever so often I find myself asking to be put in such positions and asking for God to grace me with a miracle or two every now and then. I wish God would talk to me. I'm so ashamed of a life in which so often the voice of a conscience simply isn't enough to change it. In fact not having a strong physical encounter with God might just be keeping me going. The hope that there is something out there strong enough to deliver the change in your life does sustain us more than we can usually imagine. I've often wondered what it would be like when the time comes and God speaks to me and tells me to get out of this ditch, and each time I've been so afraid of the possibility that it might not be enough to turn me away.

Say it for me, say it to me, and I'll leave this life behind me. Easier said than done's found it's meaning there.

Who set the stars in their place? Maybe the stars chose to be where they are. Maybe they've experienced the cruelty of freedom too.

beneath, among and rising above

Breathe in, check out the ripples. Bubbles. Surface

A lot of life is in liquid. Can't stay above the surface forever, it's simply too exhausting to live it. Can't stay beneath it forever either. Even dead bodies float.

Haven't you heard? Morbid's the new emo.