fever bath

I'm having a fever.

I think my temperature is freaking high. I nearly froze to death at church just now. Not to mention blow out so much mucus I must have lost like 5kg.

So I came home with my blood kind of frozen. I'm not kidding that's really what it felt like. I think cold unlike heat, eats you from inside instead of from outside.

I was sort of in a trace in the shower, turning the water on to insanely high temperatures. It felt so good, the water hitting me but judging from the steam I knew it was at a temperature much higher than what I usually use. The ecstacy of it was simply indescribable at the same time my body was warming up all at once from inside while I was semi-conscious of the scalding on the outside. I wonder what it would be like to die like that. Ah dark pleasure.

Then the hot water ran out. Fucking old heaters.

I think I'm gonna dream of heaven tonight or hell maybe.

out of touch

Yup with the chinese part of my world that sort of faded out of existance since I came to AC. I happened to catch a bit of the talent contest on channel u and realised that I've been so detached from chinese music. Not just that, I took much longer than before to read chinese characters. For some of the quicker-paced songs I couldn't even finish reading the line of lyrics before the next line flashed on. Argh. What a waste it's gonna be, chinese was really a first language for me back in rv together with english of course. I don't even know if I can claim to be effectively bilingual now. ta ma de.

I then decided to watch the mandrian news.

Anyway I sort of feel compelled to blog about fun o rama since it's a first for me and the only one I would be involved in. Though it wasn't exactly a life-changing experience I know I'll miss such stuff when I'm done and over with education and on to the working society. The fun fair was well, fun. Didn't have time to visit every booth but those that I saw were quite fun. It was fun but honestly staying there for the whole day became rather boring especially since most of the time we had to tend our own stalls. Anyway yeah it rained towards the end and I went to church slightly drenched.

Pastor Jen is really creating this reputation of addressing a lot of the right things a youth service should address. The previous one on speech was a real hammer blow and so was this one. I went to the alter for prayer. I'm really ashamed of a lot of stuff. Anyway the sermon was about the falseness of his world and how we should not have different faces. It's freaking hard really. Different groups of people in every part of your lives have different standards and it might not sound hard, but it is nearly impossible to keep to one single standard set by God. I went up to make a commitment although she said i I wasn't ready I should not. I know I will break my promise to God as I have time and time again, but I just hoped that making the commitment would make me at least think twice before I do someting wrong, or at least feel double the guilt after I know I've done something wrong. So I just hope He wouldn't set any expectations because i will disappoint FOR SURE.

It sort of occured to me that a lot of times we say things like "Now I just want to concentrate on my studies", I wonder if it's really because we want to do well or because we are afraid of or just do not want to be bothered with whatever else there is. I mean most of the time I say that or hear that is when the other stuff involve problems.

"Now for the sweet period between when a lie is told and when it is found out" -Homer Simpson after telling a lie

haha i felt in the mood for simpsons today.

Lightness of Being

I've just re-read The unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundrea. It kinda sucks to be agnostic.

The book's about how decisions in life are ultimately insignificant because life will not reoccur, you will re-live a decision and how we will all fade into history which will in turn disappear in the future which is near as compared to an eternity of time. So I was thinking how christianity fits into all this, giving our decisions on earth consequences in the next world. Otherwise existance would really be meaningless wouln't it.

So it's been a really slack week with fun o rama preparations and all. Skipped like two days worth of lessons this week and tomorrow will be the third. Not particularly excited about fun o rama though, haven't been involved in whatever planning. I'm just too lazy to do anything. I wonder what spurs people on. I mean is it really essential to have an excepional stall on saturday in order to enjoy the fun fair? I'm not saying they're being stupid to be so enthusiastic just that I don't see how they can be thus motivated. I'm sure school pride is not the reason, like come on get real. It's not like I'm not interested about the fun fair, I am I will be there and I think it's going to be quite fun too just that maybe i don't derive satisfaction from the collective sense of accomplishment of having a good class stall. Or maybe I just wouldn't feel the collective embarrassment of having a sucky class stall. Why isn't the predicted guilt of enjoying a stall I didn't have a hand in not haunting me? Shit I must really be fucked up huh.

Oh right valentine's day. Nothing out of the norm. Flowers and sweets erm oh my class went out of school to sell tickets. Met joycelin with cyrena and realised I didn't as much as miss joycelin even though we haven't met in like months and I'm supposed to miss her. Maybe I did just that it didn't appear as great a longing as what my mind thought was supposed to happen so relatively it seemed to me like i didn't miss her at all. Oh and interestingly, I talked to pamela on the bus home, someone I always knew of but never talked to in secondary school. After that i thought that talking to someone wom you didn't know before is particularly liberating. Especially if it's someone you're probably not ever going to cross paths with ever again. I guess it's due to the absence of the need to make a wonderful impression or change an imperfect one that you have already made.

One last thing I've learned from kundrea is that you would usually not be able to see goodness in a person, even in yourself because there is a constant power play between our emotions and the people around us. We'd never know if we're being nice to someone just because we expect something in return or want to gain a friend etc. We'd like to think we are being nice because we are good people but more often than not, that turns ou to be untrue. A man's goodness can only be seen when the other is completely at his mercy and there is an absence of powerplay.

Even Abraham Lincoln once said "Nearly all men can satnd adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." how true.

Dear Jackie

Please retire. I'm really sick of your slapstick humour and lousy shows. I have no idea why you just love to act in hollywood movies, don't you realise you're portraying a FUCKED UP image of asian people. You are the most disgusting actor alive, yeah u know kung fu, big deal that's just one more item on the list for americans to laugh at chinese people. I was looking forward to watching around the world in 80 days on star movies, thinking it might be close to the 19th century classic, and when I saw your name on the screen I decided to get off the tv. Honestly, did you ever think you were what Jules Verne had in mind when he came up with Passepartout?

-yours sincerely disgusted

The headlines today scream 96% of singaporeans are for the death penalty. Gee we sure are unsympathatic. If you kill, you get killed, sounds fair enough. I've read somewhere before though that capital punishment is a worse fate than being murdered hence making it unfair. Which is true because when you get the death sentence you will die for sure within a certain period of time. This creates psycological trauma because there is no hope whatsoever of escaping. However, when you get murdered at least you don't see it coming and there is always the hope of getting away. The death sentence is more traumatic than the crime of murder itself, so I don't really support it. Plus the bible says we're not fit to judge others anyway. I think certain degree of punishment should be enforced, not death though. I mean because there are always those nuts out there who would do anything as long as it's legal. On the other hand, since 96% of singaporeans support the death penalty, maybe it means that they probably won't be committing any crimes so that's quite a good figure for a safe country.

Valentine's day is coming. Saint Valentine got martyred on 14th feb. The history of this is rather interesting. Anyway the day has sort of evolved from commemorating marriage to something involving everybody or anybody you love. No harm anyway. Oh and it's kind of interesting that in rome then, people drew lots to decide their partners.

Right, so it's sort of movie season or something. All the great movies are out. Jarhead, North country, geisha which was sometime ago but I haven't caught it. And I must catch Casanova. I love 18th century european romance. It's the kind of love we don't see anymore nowadays. The take-a-plunge kind, meaning blind passion. It's sort of a fantasy because logically stuff like these don't work out most of the time. But that's what makes it nice to watch and indulge in. Plus I like the way people dressed back then too.

I need something morale-boosting like right now. It's high time something really good happened to me anyway. Sometimes I just feel really frustrated with everything and nothing in particular. It's like how a bit of this and that here and there that's not going too well balls into one big heap of frustration. Work, cca, god, people etc.

drip drip

I have a bloody leaking nose. Erm I didn't mean I'm having a nose bleed but a #!^&%(* cold. My nose was running like a fricking tap so i didn't go for cross country. The last cross country of my entire life. I wonder if I'm going to miss stuff like this when I grow old. All the things that I feel are redundant and should be skipped, maybe I'll start missing them in the future.

Gosh, I'm kinda disgusted by how ambigious my last entry was.

I wonder if people get into relationships because they care about each other, or whether getting attached is the license to start caring. It's kind of dumb to start showing extravagant concern only because you have this new found status.

fuck I'm feeling like shit. I hate being sick.

gah

i missed desperate housewives because i overslept.darn.

I hate it when people get abusive and offensive just because they know you won't do anything about it. When you pretend to be unaffected by something someone says, she then comes back and push you as if you're on mtv's boiling point knowing full well she's gonna get away with it again. And I soon begin to think you are enjoying it a lot. I don't have selective hearing, just selective response.

I've given up on physics. My teacher has given up on me too anyway. I'll see how I do for terms and then decide whether or not to drop it.

I can't wait for the weekend.

what a wonderful world

Buble really should have made the lyrics sarcastic, that would be really funny.

Been a while since I've updated, training's been killing me and my social life is officially non-existant. Was in town for the first time in I-can't-remember-how-long on friday night. There was a parade of some sort going on, probably chingay rehearsal. There were policemen directing the pedestrians at traffic light crossings, guiding those travelling in the same direction to one side of the crossing which they sort of halved. So it looked pretty retarded since there was barely a crowd at that time. I've never been a fan of parades of any sort, especially festive parades. The dragondance looked like an orgy anyway.

Had an amusing conversation yesterday. I pointed out how my friend was stereotyping when she said something which I sort of forgot but isn't the point, and she replied "the government calls it profiling". lol

In our cluster, there are 3 enormous galaxies, the milky way where we live in, andromeda, and the acs ego. Ha