Jingleheimer Junction

I don't know how recent this was but I just downloaded it yesterday and it's fucking hilarious (literally). It's some kids' show like barney just that it's corrupted as hell, really..it's a must see.

oh great new year is over. That means back to school too. Which sucks. But looking on the bright side, the first month is over already! I'm not exactly afraid that it's getting closer towards the A levels and there is so much yet to cover. Studies have always been a chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi thing.

I've been downloading a lot of erm rock ballads and soft rock at the most. Kind of realised that besides country music this is another genre of english music that I like. Oh and I realise people don't know the different genres of music anymore. It's all emo or non-emo to them, or english and mandrian.

That's really bad classification if you ask me. emo just means more electric guitar and less keyboard, more screaming and exasparation. And I cannot believe credit is given to musicians rehearsing a particular 'emotion' over the same line of lyrics. I mean good music evokes emotions, it isn't meant to be a display of emotions, that would be drama! It was a lot better when they were under rock, ballad, rap, blah blah..emo is just wrong, it's limited to exasparation and the oh-i'm-doing-all-i-can voices. There are obviously so many other kinds of emotions, even deliberate lack of it in certain music should be given credit. What the hell, they're all just non-emo now.

On a sidetrack, I'm starting to like sugarland.

let's see, arenes, alkenes, electromagnetism, integration..I'm so glad i take literature along with all that science crap. Something I actually like studying.

mundane

Why do we celebrate every new year the same old boring way? Cny is a mundane annual chore it's not even worth mentioning.

I think heaven is overrated. It's just the obvious choice when the alternative is hell. I don't even believe in eternal happiness. I mean it'll take me a few years to get bored and then what. Besides, life would be meaningless if it lasts for eternity. Nobody would make the best of each moment. I'd rather an orgasm that lasts some seconds.

I wonder if God would ever make you lose everything just so you'll turn to him.

And I was thinking as well, what if God doesn't do the right things all the time. Even if he screws up, we'll never know because he has cleverly created this illusion that God doesn't make mistakes and that everything we don't understand or deem ridiculous is part of this even bigger plan that serves an even higher purpose. What if the person in question doesn't want this higher purpoes to be achieved? That would make God a fucking dictator wouldn't it?

A certain someone once wrote "I think God overestimated himself in creating man"

I'm in the mood for poetry

Smile into the mirror
You see a three dollar bill
cold as the braces
covering your teeth

Turn the other cheek
I wonder what that means
to hide what is shown
or to reveal what is not

Under the blanket
Behind the curtain
Where art thou?
where thou art

Whenever you're ready
I'll take the cue
Nice and steady
Whenever it's due
I'll say hey stranger

How impossible is it for one to live each day to better himself whilst living among people who remember who you were the day before.

Why- Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why?
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

credit to cyrena for introducing this song.

The last part kind of spoils the mood though with the clapping and all haha.

Often we thnk of christ as a deity of some sort, divine and all. But he was as human as everyone of us, he needed god so much to take the cross. Thinking of him as divine is not wrong but I think that so often it takes all credit away from such a great sacrifice because people think less of it because we know of him as some god-like figure. Martyrdom is often seen as courage but what if the martyr was in no way more courageous than normal people like us? The cross was one of love for mankind.

On a saner note

I think i'm gonna have to start studying really hard from now on. Have to make good use of this chinese new year break, have to get a tutor quick, have to maintain 4 subs after term exams. A levels is by far the highest hurdle in one's academic life in Singapore at least, so it's really make or break and of course I want to make it. I've never fallen short in studies in my life and I don't want this to be a first.

As for soccer, I might not even get to play a single minute in A division even if i make the team judging by how things are going right now. But I mean every team has subs, reserves, people who just have their names on the list for the sake of making up the numbers, so even if I quit, somebody else would have to be that, and since I've been in soccer for what more than a year already I might as well see it through and be contented with wherever God puts me. That was why I decided to go for the match in the evening yesterday despite missing half of the service for that.

Right so this cynical view of people around me has served its purpose well. The disappointments are not that great since expectations are not high, or even existant now. touch and go? fine by me. Leeches? I'll live with it. After all, George bernard shaw once wrote, the power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not have it. Maybe the world isn't such a nice place to live in after all.

moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

I've always liked that verse.

mankind

is the only form of leech which feeds off its own kind.

School's been lousy. Having everyone give up on you felt stresful for a while, until I became jaded. I've got to get tuition.

It's weird, usually I can easily find motivation in wanting to prove people wrong, and comfort in the fact that up is the only way I could go. not this time though.

fuck blogging.

sunshine

That's been the highlight of this week, sunny days at last.

I'm in a really crappy mood now and I really need someone to talk to.

I can't believe how disrespectful people can be of other's choices. I really hate it when people impose things on me especially after i've made it clear that something is not exactly what I want or would like. I've said it before I'll say it again. Nobody is obliged to tear down the wall and let anybody in. It's giving your vulnerability away as a gift and obviously you choose who to give this gift to. Sometimes it gets to the point where you just want to say "It's because I don't like you, fuck off thank u very much"

I got really irritated recently by my cell's procedures with prayers and this buddy group thing because we have to do them with people of the same gender. now that ephraim's gone I don't have any guys whom I can actually open up to anymore and so it's only now that this is irritating me. (majority of the cell group are girls) The purpose of this separation is to erm prevent us from getting distracted.

It's always been my stand in stuff like this that we do not need such formalities. It's like even if smoking were legal in singapore, I wouldn't smoke because I know it's a health hazard not to mention it stinks. Smokers, similarly would find their way around things if they were underaged or something. What matters is we understand the things behind "wrong" things and hence our choices. Trying to prevent it with rules and dumb precautions is just not the way. In fact exposure is always important because we have to be in the know of things against our principles. And then when we still feel we are doing the right thing, it strengthens our beliefs. So if we understand fully not to be distracted in cell, we won't.

I can't stress what a wreck my life has been in these 2 weeks any more.

I guess it's when we have nothing more to lose that we really put our all into somthing. but then it doesn't always have a fairytale ending unlike what our sub conscious love for romance desires.

So I say again, sunshine's been the highlight of my week. literally too o.O

.






















Freedom of space

pon de replay

heard that song play just now i am so sick of it. (It's this year's orientation mass dance song)

Weekend has been pretty good. I got a devotion book for 9.90 and two new CDs over the weekend. Oh the clearout sale at HMV is really worth checking out. yuck i sound like a girl now evaluating my weekend by amount of shopping done =S

Weekend was good because of church. I'm looking forward to next week already. Actually cell and service wasn't all that fun but I'm just glad I got to see those people again. And it wasn't as bad as I expected with ephraim in NS now. I made up for his absence by talking a lot to a lot of people so i was too occupied to be feeling empty.

If someone say wants to cover up for something without actually saying something false, ie telling a lie, he would sort of go around the issue and try to mislead people into thinking something. okay I'll have to do this with an example. Say I don't want to go for training and so I say something like "I have a family lunch". And then I just have a normal lunch with my family that was totally optional but only happened because I stayed home and skipped training. So I wasn't exactly lying, I was trying to lead my captain on to thinking that family lunch meant some big compulsary thing with an extended family or something like that. However I've come to think of such a move as a lie too. Because God sees the intent not the actual lie itself. That's why conversely, God does not think it's wrong if you lie in a game of bluff. Plus I mean God's not dumb and I'm feeling guilty about having covered up in such a way before thinking that I've kind of gotten around the rules. So the next time someone does it and says "I wasn't lying what" we should be reminded that it's the intent, not the lie itself.

Recently, a friend was talking about his new relationship and how he thinks it's gonna last because he likes her a lot and she probably likes him a lot too. At that point in time I thought it was okay, but coming to think about it, what if that's not enough? I think a relationship is just a part of a bigger life that you're living in all and i think couples have to be aware of what each other want as well. Meaning what they want in life and not what they want from and for each other. "All i want is you" is a bullshit statement. I mean think about it what kind of lousy life is that.

Wolfgang von gothe once said "If I accept you as what you are I will make you worse. However if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that."

I think it's a really good line to live life by. So it desn't really matter if one's a bitch before or even now I think what's important is you're clear on what that person wants for herself and can become. Don't try to be funny and ask what if the person has the potential to be an ass? This is obviously based on the assumption that everyone has room for improvement. I know when it comes down to people who are real bastards to me I'm gonna find it hard to do that, in fact I don't even think I can live up to it. But I'll try so no promises.

Think that's enough for one entry. This entry is very censored and I don't know how long I can keep that up.

oh and I've started doing quiet time and devotions, another addition to a long list of stuff I'm trying to accomplish right now.

mofo

i swear whoever invented spyware/viruses is a real mother fucker. I spent the whole bloody week with an infected computer and I just wasted like 2 hours figuring out how to do a system recovery and install all the printer, internet connection etc etc all over again. okay that's what u get for downloading music.

Right first week of school. Urm really stressful. And I mean really really stressful. And the j1 orientation was just the perfect thing to allow all that envy and "I wish I were j1" emotions to sit in. I didn't touch my holiday homework so yeah i was rushing through it like crazy. First few lessons were mainly spent having teachers pump us with fear of the A levels and getting back the crazy pre-promos pace. That's what school's gonna be like for the next 11 months I guess. Ah it'll soon be over.

Was watching Big Loser just now and wondering how pathetic the show was making the American society seem. I mean u have to have a cash incentive for people to get themselves back into good health? I mean how fucked up is that? U get paid to take care of yourself. And we thought grownups knew better.

"I'm not doing anyone any favours" More and more people are beginning to live life based on that line. It's kinda sad. I myself have started off with people and things on the wrong foot and then have my attitude degrade to that. Nobody faults anyone for not being nice as long as you're not un-nice. This growing display of "street-smartness" is just going to turn everyone cynical about everything.

So I'm really relieved it's the weekend already and I'm really looking forward to church tmr. Carrie underwood's album is really good, country music basically usually is anyway.

O'six

wow I haven't blogged since last year! (sorry i just had to do that)

Anyway o5 has been a year of clarity.

I'm glad I went to ac and I'm thankful for the exposure to many groups of people. I've learnt a lot about the more ang moh half of singaporean teens. Plus I've grown to appreciate many virtues of my riends from rv.

Highlight though has been church this year. I've really grown a lot thanks to so many people.

It doesn't really matter actually what 05 was like. What's important now is what I want 06 to be like. For starters, I hope 06 will be less exciting (in a good way). Church has been one thing in my life that I've been in for quite a while and have not become sick of so I think I really want to stay involved in 2006

And yes I want to do well for A levels.

oh and countdowns are overrated. Since I don't reall believe in resolutions, I'll end here.