weekend

oh weee my biggest accomplishment this weekend is finishing my e8 lit essay! omg and I did it in like less than 2 hours I am so damn bloody proud of myself.

Soccer was great yesterday the two sided game was very long. I like playing the match more than doing all those drills. Anyway 3 people got cut I thought one of them shouldn't have been though I thought he was pretty good as a defender. oh well it's all up to the coach who is ever-missing I might just find myself cut soon too who knows.

Spent much of saturday rotting at home after training.

This morning I played soccer with rv people. It's such a cool thing that we have 4 different rv generations at the street court every sunday. My batch is the youngest batch then there are 3 batches above us who also play same time same day. It's really a wonderful thing I mean these were all the seniors in the school when I entered it at sec one who knew we would be playing soccer together 4 years down the road. I mean when we were sec one all they did was laugh at us and all like how people usually treat sec oners. I seriously think this is damn cool and should carry on but the batch after mine doesn't seem to frequent that street court so maybe it'll just end at my batch. i love spending my sunday mornings speaking mandrian.

Went to study with zacharoy just now haha that's when I chiong finish my lit essay.

Was watching csi before this it was like freaking scary la the guy was being eaten alive by fire ants. ouch how painful is that.

I seriously hate being nagged at honestly it doesn't get to me it just irritates the hell out of me.

Look I am not backsliding i'm just taking time off to figure stuff out. it's like when you aim a piece of thrash at a dustbin and it misses and u spend that 3 seconds with both the angel and the devil in your head one telling you to pick it up and the other telling you to just be on your way. Just that this time it's on a bigger scale and I need more than 3 seconds to think. I'm giving the devil time to put thoughts in my head yes but I am also opening all the same to god so there. Anyway I usually pick up the thrash in the end so maybe it'll b the same after all.

catch up

oh yay today I ponned school to catch up on work and sleep. Went to study at kap with meaghan if u haven't already guessed, she ponned school also hahaha. did most of the homework that i am lagging behind in so feel kinda good now. i heard they had the complain session about au yt today too bad i missed it. Au is my chem teacher and somebody in the class wrote in to the school to complain about her so the HOD came to our class today to talk to us and find out more ie give us a chance to bomb her like mad. ah oh well good for her i wasn't there I would surely have a lot to say about that stupid teacher.

I went to school at about 4 for (aliteration haha) basketball training. Just got home tired as hell. Tmr soccer's having a cut again I really hope some people go and hope some people get to stay so kinda exciting haha.

I dunnoe if I can cope with two sport ccas and 4 subs but I hope I can but I will have to pon school to catch up constantly so expect to see less of me on wednesdays haha.

I almost forgot

what it feels like to win. ok so yesterday training was great for me it was the first time my team had won the 2 sided match since training started. That win meant so much to me.

Anyway yesterday was a bullshit day the lessons were so crap.

Today is bio spa so I'm going to school late.not because I have bio spa but because they wun catch me if I pretend to be a bio student and I can escape the dc and pon pe. I thought I would sleep till later but dunnoe why wake up so early. oh well.

I've got 3 more weeks away from church to sort things out about my faith and the irony of this is that I feel god is helping me in this.

hahaha yesterday shoshi came up with a nice racist move. when the indian speaks especially in strong acent, he would say "read the subtitles" lol i thought it was really funny.oh right and I got a haircut.Why do people like asking "yo cut your hair?" when it is so obvious?After a while i got sick of it and started telling people I went for chemotherapy zzz.

Time to wash up for school.

backsliding

I am not backsliding. My spiritual level has always been there and it has never really improved. The doubts are still there from when I started and it just kind of surfaced coz basically I don't enjoy cell at all and I am bored to hell during service simply,I'm saying church sucks. Problem with cell is nobody treats me seriously I'm just like some joker and they are all very holy and I am very pressured and dare not share a lot of stuff with them. Yes I have a second fucked up messed up life full of backstabbing gossiping discrimination and everything that the bible condemns except maybe sex and murder.oh wait then again maybe just no murder. nobody in church can understand my life except maybe one or two depending on the canoeing season.yes you are half the people that know me at all in church. Still it isn't your fault that am feeling this way now I mean I have to face this problem sooner or later so might as well have it now. Today I was super cynical pointing out people from christian fellowship who aren't singing during chapel and then i attempted to read da vinci code during the message. oh well we'll see how things go after the one month break from church maybe I'll not even return.Sometimes I wish everything dan brown says is right. I believe in progress not perfection.Maybe jesus wasn't all perfect himself.

Today was crap. ok 99 percent because of the weather. I was so excited to play basketball and it rained then we went to gym. btw did I mention how i really hate AC teachers? Especially the science departments which are so useless. taking A level in ACJC trains one's self-studying skills more than anything else. So tmr is spa I wanna cheat but I don't really know the people from triple science combi who are in the first shift so zzz.

Just now something interesting happened.

Reasonably pretty girl walks up and asks if i understand chinese. I said yes and the following was in mandrian

girl: my grandma's in hospital I need 2 dollars to take an mrt there can u please help me?
me(feeling skeptical and horny): I don't have 2 bucks but I can ask my mum to give you a ride I'm going to NUH area too she's waiting at the carpark nearby
girl: oh ok I'd really like that thank you
me: ok that was just bullshit to test if you really wanted to go there or were just out to cheat money here's two dollars.
girl (looks insulted) : do i look like a con-girl to you?
me: they're usually quite pretty so I would say u look like one
girl (smiles and picks up stone from floor): here's a magic stone for you
me: my fever's going away already
girl:whatever I gtg bye
me: now my fever really is going away :( bye

haha i thought that was interesting. gotta admit she does have an attitude though.

lazing around

that's what I have been doing the whole day ahhh life in singapore sure is boring it's like by the time you get your PSLE results life is already planned out for you.oh my hhow bland is that and it sucks that everybody knows that,complains about it and still do nothing about it in the end.just like me.Wouldn't it be fun to just quit school now and do something I mean like live a different life I think if only enough people start doing it more and more people will dare to try it and this world would be so much more fun.Question is who's gonna stick his neck out and be the first to try?

I watched quite a lot of mtv today I think some programmes are really crap.Maybe it's not the idea of the programme that sucks I think it's more the participants.Especially with those mystery date kind of programmes.oh well people who sign up for those are usually boring right? I mean why do they need to sign up for this sort of matchmaking shit if they had a personality in the first place so there it proves my point.

I wanna watch the island but I just can't find time to. I think being somebody's clone is a cool concept. Damn I need more than 24 hours a day my life is passing at light speed man it sucks seriously and before I know it I'll be 20+ and past my prime oh god why do we have to study so much when we're at our prime? I think people should have like 4 years of holiday from 16-20 years of age. then again the kiasu ones would start studying and everyone else would start doing the same. I think the government should exile all people between 16-20 to some exotic land where they make love all day(with condoms) and then come back and start studying again at 20.

I watched the simpsons today. It's seriously damn funny especially the discriminatory parts towards canadians and brits. homer was jailed in london and he prayed aloud to the god of england to let him go and he promised to spell color with a "u" hahaha i thought that part was funny. The brits are pictured as living in some shakespherian era and they still watch Mcbeth and othello. Oh which reminds me I just finished my othello assignment! i love the feeling of completing a lit essay.

hahaha

time to share damn cool poem haha

My body is hot
can burn a pot
meaghan is hot
or so i thought
my body is taut
dhoby ghaut
dot dot dot
oh my god.

haha i thought the last part was really funny..

yesterday was a day of everything fitting into place at the last monute. First it was the maths timed assignment that I had to study for during one chinese period so it turned out ok in the end. then there was lit homework that i was doing up till the last minute. Then there was getting the pail for daniel khor's period like one minute before the period I ran to canteen to borrow one. then was the GP package when i got the answers finally like 2 mins befoe the period phew. Then i made it to pj on time to meet my sec 4 class clique. So yesterday was like a damn big rush but everything just seemed to work out in the end so wow.

We went to town to celebrate jiawen and siyun's birthdays we roamed around aimlessly, I saw a lot of ac people oh my town is so flooded with them den town was so crowded everywhere we decided to go holland village crystal jade. Went home dead at night den slept and had training this morning.

Somebody has got to do something about the damned field. it sucks. Anyway I had enough of being in the "weaker" team in the 2 sided game it sucks so bad that u want to do something but your team just doesn't seem to be getting the ball. Plus I hate losing.

ok so i didn't go to church today and went instead to study with meaghan followed by zacharoy at night.meaghan session was full of the usual lameness actually just lazy to walk ok wadever den I talked with zach about some stuff. I like the imagery of heaven as an everlasting orgasm. how cool is that man.

matchsticks

my cell group is nominating names for the cell I would vote for matchsticks. Not because they bring a light and all that but because they burn out al the time one by one.I'm taking a one month break from church. Jesus, I don't know how to fall in love with you why can't u be a girl oh how easy that would make things.

I got high a couple of times today with jing and meaghan they are really my sources of energy to go on in class la. I just love going high and crazy and all random with them it's like seriously fun and helps to de-stress a lot.

Training yesterday was pretty good for me I am so not going to be a soft player anymore I realised that actually if i went in hard for a 50-50 tackle it pays off a lot of them time. The j2s had their testimonial match along with mark lee who is leaving. It's really a loss to the team that he is leaving we really need him since we don't really have a coach. Recently we have like newton's laws governing the soccer team haha they are really funny but i won't say them here.

Relationships all around me are hitting the rocks. Maybe it's a post-terms thing. I believe a couple can be free and yet close at the same time. You can know everything about each other but not get involved. Everyone's got their rights to making their own choices and setting their own priorities I don't believe that partners should get too involved in each others' choices. You love her for what she was and not what you want her to become. Blame is a heavy thing why not take half each take makes it a lot lighter duh.

oh yay gonna see my never-met-up-yet-in-7-months secondary school clique tmr harhar I'm sure it's gonna be fun.long time since I miss conversing in mandrian.

papaya

that's what they call the arts math lecturer.hahaha so funny how a teacher can actually not know so much and get stuck at sums so much haha she was like "I'll change strategy" and then when it doesn't work she's like "I'm not in the right state of mind" and she ends lecture 5 mins early. That is just so cool.

recently meaghan jing and I talked about childhood cartoons haha as in not those action stuff era erm like K1 like that. Bambi, dumbo and all haha and of course land before time! yup yup yup (duckie) haha I can seriously remember when I cried over the death of that long neck mother haha so sad. Guess what jing and meg also cried! hahaahah so interesting to just go back and think about such stuff and laugh at the cliche-ness of all the cartoons.ok confession I feel like watching land before time again hahaha

Right reality check I got homework and 24 hours a day which is so damn short. It's been raining like mad the past two days, today it rained from like 6 to 6 how cool(literally) is that.

Got training tmr hmm i can't wait (sarcasm)

Spoiler

hahaha I feel so evil but it's so fun to spoil harry potter for everyone else! I don't read harry potter so I gather important stuff like snape is the half blood prince and dumbledore dies ad go around spreading it. haha it's kind of fun to see whoever with the book in hand and shout the spoilers. Some girl was reading the book in lectures and we passed a note to her saying "snape is half blood prince and dumbledore dies" haha so sickening right.

So ok today was a stuppid day. school ended at 1150 for me there was chapel and PCCG period so it was really a bo liao day to go to school for me but whatever. It rained AGAIN fuck. I didn't go for basketball training but I don't think there was practice due to wet weather. Even if there was I would hate a wet court so there. I went to eat at ikea with cyrena and kyna den did a bit of work there. I din know chicken wings and meatballs could be so filling.

I crashed chinese class today to watch some stupid show.
Barber to customer : Jian3 duan3 ke2 yi3 ma?
Me(thinking aloud): fei4 hua4 nan2 dao4 jian3 chang2?

wonder how the others did in their listening compre. so glad i took higher mother tongue.

Minority Report

I don't believe I missed it when it was on the big screens. It's like one of the best shows i've ever seen. yeah I just watched it on channel 5. I love this sort of intriguing stuff. I think I'm in the mood for some Dan Brown. I've been too lazy to read his bestsellers but I think I'm gonna find time for that soon.

ok so I feel like quitting cell group, the church altogether for that matter. I just cannot feel comfortable with them I cannot open up and I have so many questions which I'm sure they do not have the answers to. Then they'll tell me to ask god. So I'm supposed to I should have faith in god and ask him why i should have faith and believe in him? I love the irony of this. What I need is a group of people like me.Slacker christians or whatever u call that I just cannot feel comfortable with the pressure to be good around the people I am around now.

I hate living for god why can't i live for myself? how many christians out there are in church because they are afraid to go to hell? isn't that wanting something for yourself? in other words being selfish? Why is there god in the first place? Why does God get to judge us and we cannot judge others? Who chooses that God has this ultimate and highest authority? isn't it unfair that he just exists as the authority above all and has power over all? I would like to be born God.

I believe that the system of christianity exists ie the devil hell heaven and god. But why are we humans so caught in the middle and played like toys by god and the devil? the natural selection of power to God is unfair in itself. Maybe they should both fuck off.

early in the morning

man I haven't slept like this for ages. I've slept since like 8 last night till now I feel so rested my muscles are so stiff.

It's like 2 hours before the friendly starts I can hear very bad wind and very bad rain my oh my why does this always have to happen. I hate playing on a wet pitch so I think I'd rather not play later. Though there would be really bad implications by my me not being fielded I would really not want to play in a mud pit it sucks as hell especially for wingers.

Nothing interesting really yesterday apart from kyna's and meaghan's first day back in school after their self-declared vacation boy do I miss those two. Work has been going pretty well for me. It's been a long time since i felt what it was like to complete tutorials and feel good about it. i sure do miss that feeling. I'm gonna mug from now on and keep 4-subs all the way.

Why do people expect their other half to be so flawless? They always announce how it isn't so and that it would be ridiculous to expect perfection and then they go on about small little things such as mannerisms of their other half.That is so not hitting the point. What if he or she really has something you DON'T LIKE? Learning to accept the wrongs is what a relationship is about, liking the right parts have already been settled the time people decide to get together. Man what is wrong with this world.

sliding in

expect a lot of that from me I'm going all out to get a spot in the team both basketball and soccer. I actually slid in for a ball today something I don't normally do I can't even remember the last time I made a sliding tackle. The ball still went out in the end but lying on the grass there for a moment everything just seem to fall into place. What i'm living for who I'm waiting for and what I'm actually capable of if I just put in the effort.

my finalised results are FOOD F for physics os for maths and chem and a D for lit. an overall fail so there I'd gotta work harder.

I ponned school today and am gonna pon again tmr expect to be back to normal on friday.

All time low

EEFF yeah so I got an E for lit.this is disgusting.

School is seriously pointless. Why do we have to waste our youth on this? It is so damn stupid. I've never believed in cliche shit like you have a lot of time to enjoy in the future. I mean what's there to enjoy when you're like past your teenage prime. Getting stressed out so badly about work and trying to keep up with competition from everyone. It is so tiring. I hate singapore.

Think it and say it yea everybody does that but in the end I'll still be stuck in this bullshit of a system I'd better get past my period of low-ness and starting bouncing back.In sports studies friendships and everything. Parents-teacher meeting coming up soon I am damn stressed by it I really wish i don't have parents sometimes.

Sorry for disorganisation of this piece I'm just as messed up as this entry is.

I hate getting put down especially when it is something that I know I can do reasonably well.I swear I'm going to take a place in the lineup.

I've had enough of backstab talk already. it is so ironic to be saying someone is a backstabber behind their back and sometimes I feel i am just being used for a source of information. I am all ready to let everything out confrontation style.

I am going to bounce back with or without you god. I've been thinking human life is meaningful only because it is limited and we want to make the best of every moment why then would i want eternal life? The choice of accepting christ and thus getting eternal life is therefore more of a choice influenced by the push factor of having to go to hell. maybe there should be an inbetween where u get to live without ultimate "joy" yet also without ultimate suffering.

kelly:eh u got selective hearing now issit?
me: huh?

i need to get a study partner.

of late

so I was supposed to finish up math and physics tutorials over the weekend but got caught up in some stuff that took up the whole of my mind not to mention heart.

Went back to rv to see mdm mak off it's funny how half a year ago I was the biggest pest in her class and then now we're talking like we've been friends for years.oh well I was after all one of her few A1s.

I went to cell this week supposed to have the merge with another cell but i's postponed to next week. So yeah the merge was the main issue and honestly I'm not for it. I've seen the other cell and they don't look all too friendly. ok then comes all the we-should-make-the-best-out-of-it and the u-cannot-expect-everyone-to-be-as-sociable-as-you lines. Fine. but right now I have too much on my mind and homework list to have any energy left to take up this responsibility(see what this is to me?) of being extra nice and friendly and make friends, so they'd better make things easy for me by opening up like a vagina with a baby coming out otherwise I would really feel well, fucked.

So I got fucked during training for allowing the ball to bounce before i took it down what the coach did was really humiliating but honestly I'm not affected. Normally I would be but right now training isn't exactly on the top of my priorities.This is so sad it's like going in a what-could-be-worse-than-this direction. I don't even care if I play the next friendly.maybe it'll be better if I don't.

For terms I got EFF for chem maths and physics respectively and an on the dot pass for GP. Waiting for lit and even if it's bad i guess I won't really be bothered..numb

second best.That kind of sums up my life.

filing

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!I finished my gp resource file. it's like 130am haha

Anyway today was quite a good day. I actually passed chemistry on the dot and then I got one mark added for GP for a marking error so I passed it on the dot too. hmm so now I've got a C6 for GP and EFF for effort lol..there's still lit to come but that's gotta wait till next week.

it's been a week of low tolerance, short tempers and of course bad attitude.I hate terms it destroys the overall mood around the whole level.boy this is criminal.

I just sms-ed meaghan to check if she's been blown to pieces by that bomb in london.thankfully I got a reply.

I had so much to blog about but I am having a stupid mental block now.oh well I mean it's nearing 2am wth am I doing awake anyway.shit this is such a pointless entry =S

ouch

I'm aching all over.basketball training is so different from soccer.yeah I can run better than most of them there but all the different muscles are used for this game. So that kind of negates my edge over people -.- I'm not quitting soccer this is just secondary protocol ie backup plan. I don't have full confidence in myself to get into the starting lineup but I'll still fight for it.

The first normal school day in a longggggg time. Got back two really pissing pieces of news. I failed GP by one mark and I am one mark away from an O grade for physics. oh well not that I was expecting much from this term exams.fuck it I can't wait to get it done and over with. My biggest worry now is lit. Tanu went through the paper today and I kinda think I went out of point. So there goes my most hopeful subject

I hate being told what to do I can't wait to grow up and get out of this fucking family of mine.

my cell group is merging with another cell group. Had a combine meeting with that cell before they didn't really seem fun. The people there were too quiet. I'm like highly irritatable recently like ever since terms kicked off I would so be in no mood to try to make friends with the new people and I would certainly explode if they weren't friendly enough for my liking. For now I just want things to go my way I've got no energy to think for others and all that bullshit now.

Sleep time it's the fastest way to pass this fucking time around the house.

ahhahaha

goodness i've been watching one tree hill dvd for like what 9 hours straight? that's like 10 episodes in a row I guess..gotta love that show the plot is damn good and yeah I couldn't wait one week for the next episode on star world so I got the dvds. I love peyton man her character in the show rocks like mad an she's hot as hell too so yeah

Didn't regret not going to town at all haha It's been a long time since my last dvd addiction period.Think it was mvp qing ren the last time hahaha oh right I went to play soccer in the morning I hate my right foot the ankle problem is really getting to me hmm maybe I'll just switch to basketball fitting for the one tree hill craze anyway. Marion raven's end of me is damn addictive too i simply love it.

Recently, or maybe all the time just that I have been to lazy to actually address it, the topics of insercurity, popularity and backstabbing seem to come up all the time. On popularity and being like high profile and all, I really don't give a damn and i don't know why other people should as well. I mean what's the use of being a social butterfly and have one million names in your phonebook when only a few will really be there when you need them. I hate the way people love talking so much about people they hardly know most of the time just to show how many people they know from activities deemed for-the-cool-and-popular. And when asked about somebody close to you people would be like yeah i know him and just brush the topic aside.It so sucks that people are taking people close to them for granted it seriously is not logical and fucking dumb come to think of it. What's worst is friends in a group being competitive about popularity. Isn't it ironic that you are trying to prove how liked and known you are to the people who like and know you the most?

So here comes backstabbing. I feel that this term is being thrown around too casually. backstabbing involves a fair amount of damage. My point is everyday gossiping isn't backstabbing otherwise everybody would be walking around with a whole cutlery set on their backs. I feel that pointing out a person's faults ACCURATELY is not backstabbing(with the exception of telling people not acquainted to the person in question since I believe everyone has the right to a fist impression) I mean hello since it's the truth I mean wth? Doesn't hurt since people will find out sooner or later and then again if the person in question is trying to mask some stuff then the exposure would be a favour to others who cannot see through it. I think only pointing out false faults would be backstabbing no explanation needed. I believe trust repays trust the way kindness repays kindness. As for tit for tat,that's(tat's) stupid.I only believe in tits.

Insercurity. Hmm this seems to be a really big thing. Nobody can make another person feel insercure period. only you can make yourself insercure. I mean the what if factor is forever there you cannot change that. What negates the what if factor is trust in one's own judgements which i've never really had a problem with so happy for me =)

oh great I got dilpreet kaur the first two periods tomorrow. Today is independence day. oh well who cares?

That playground

and that neighbourhood..went back there again today to play basketball..how i miss those days.

went out with an unusual combination of people yesterday to watch initial D. The outing looks good on paper but the real thing wasn't anywhere near exciting. The movie was predictable, plotless,had a bad ending and just plain lousy.Not to mention the girly gasps everytime edison chen appeared.After a while went to play pool as a small group, hiren,charles,shen and I. My pool skills simply suck maybe it's coz we never really indulged in pay-to-play sports like pool and bowling back in rv. oh well, I mean this is ac.

After pool we had a long talk about a lot of stuff interesting actually to see and try to figure out how other human minds work.

I didn't go to church yesterday I need a break to figure out myself and get back on track even if it is a different track.

I'm joining basketball in like a weeks time after I regain previous form, Haven't played in 6 months already

War of the Worlds

right I was so in the mood for more tragedy after the chemistry paper yesterday. yes I see it already my 3Fs and one pathetic lit pass. terms suck. They shouldn't be set so hard just for the fact that there are three groups of people to differentiate, people who did not study, those who did and geniuses. and not just genius and non genius since it's so hard people who study end up with Fs along with those who did not study I mean it is so unfair. I studied a fair bit and i'm not used to failing 75% of the papers I take especially when I did study for a week.

Was feeling unstable after the paper and went to play soccer with a screwed up ankle. It is hurting as hell now it is going to a permanent thing I think it is so gonna suck i cannot take a decent shot now fuck man why do ankles have to sprain? yay so my leg is fucked and my studies is on an endless downward spiral this is getting better by the minute.

I went crazy on the way home, waited for a bus for 5 mins and got so pisssed off I ran home from jurong. I waited for the lift for 20 seconds and decided to take the stairs up 9 floors. I drank like 5 packets of carrot juice and took a cab to town(I do not cab usually unless there is the need to and there wasn't the need to) the meter was at a record high 10 bucks.

Went for a late movie with kyna,kenneth, andeous and some cheryl that I din really get to talk to. I always thought that a movie is the wrong activity if you're trying to know new people. It is so uninteractive. Just for the record the movie was good, scared the shit out of me at some parts and there weren't even ghosts or chuckies.

slacked around town complain and whine a lot and then went to newton circus to eat dinner erm supper..whatever. kenneth and I went to stay at kyna's place. Din really do a lot just mess around her room and had a like 2 minute pillow fight.woke up in the morning originally wanting to go to the airport but changed our plans after a while. went to KAP the 5th time in 6 days for me this time to eat and only eat. tired as hell went home and slept tll now.

my life is in a mess now I'm not going to church today. I'd hate answering how was your week and then getting asked to be prayed for it pisses me off. off to orchard bye.